I had a dream that I was playing football with ostriches. It was a tough game because not only can ostriches run very fast, but they were also terrible cheats. On the few occasions when I could kick the ball, an ostrich would simply unfold one of its wings, knock it down, dribble it past me and score a goal.
Ref!’ I screamed the first time it happened, ‘That is hand ball!
The referee gave me a bemused look and said calmly, ‘But ostriches don’t have hands.”
Frustrated, I yelled back ‘Their wings are their hands! Their wings ARE their hands!’
The referee reached for his pocket, and with a flourish pulled out his yellow card and carefully wrote my name on it.
The only thing I could do was play harder. It was kick off, which at least gave me the opportunity to use the ball. With terrific concentration I dribbled the ball forward. The first ostrich was before me. I fainted to the left, kicked the ball right and was past him in a flash. Then there were two ostriches in front of me, moving in. I flicked the ball over them. sprinted between them and caught the ball on my chest, and dropped it to my feet and dribbled forward again.
By now I was in the goal area, and had one last ostrich to beat before I could shoot at goal.
This ostrich slid in at me and I went down. I was going to claim for a penalty, when I noticed that the ostrich had gently passed the ball back to his goalie, and the goalie had not kicked it, but picked it up.
Ref! That was a back pass! The goalie cannot pick it up with his hands- it should be an indirect free kick!
The ref looked at me solemnly and said, ‘Ostriches don’t have hands.
I yelled back ‘Their wings are their hands! Their wings ARE their hands!
With a flourish, he gave me a second yellow card, and sent me off.